There are cases when obese people are the way they are because of some back ground story. I was watching “My 600 Pound Life” on TLC a couple of weeks ago and this lady had an over eating problem because she was masking pain. I believe no matter what causes that pain, many people can agree with this. In her case it was because she was sexually molested as a child, mine is because I was not given a firm foundation for my self confidence to grow.
I have never talked much about this, but I think it’s time in my weigh loss journey to open up.
I was never a “skinny” kid. I am big boned with curves and I have been this way my entire life. I was born 9 pounds for crying out loud! Not that I was a chubby baby, like some cute chunks that I have seen, but I wasn’t exactly skin either. My parents weren’t “health conscious”, we ate fast foods and fried foods, and family get togethers could feed the continent of Africa. I come from a family that loves food, which I do not see as a bad thing, and for most of my younger years I didn’t see myself as fat.
The first crack in the foundation for confidence came at age five. My family liked to go on vacation together, my grandparents, uncles and aunt, and my family would go stay in cabins in Branson, Missouri. I love it! We would spend time on the lake, go to Silver Dollar City, and see some shows.
I can remember it like it was yesterday. It was the summer before I started Kindergarten, my mom was pregnant with my sister, & I was feeling pretty good about life. We were shopping at a strip mall, my parents had gone off to do something and my brother and I were left with my grandparents. It was then I was told that I need to watch what I was eating and start to count my calories…
This picture sums up my childhood, teach your children to love themsleves.
Now I don’t know about you, but what five year old has to worry about what they are eating? I basically told from the age of five that my body wasn’t beautiful, that having fat was gross, and that I wasn’t good enough. I was told that I need to diet and lose weight. It doesn’t stop here though, my mother, who was raised the same way, continued to put these thoughts into my head.
I remember for my seventh birthday we got to go to Disney Land. Talk about exciting! Part of being curvy is that it sucks to go jean shopping. This was the early 2000’s, a time before leggings and wearing sweatpants wasn’t a trend. I can Remember being so excited because I had lost weight and could fit into my jeans for the Disney trip. Now tell me this, what seven year old should be excited about fitting into jeans?
Growing up and only hearing about my weight and how I need to lose it made me so self conscious. I hated to eat in front of people because I constantly felt judged. This lead to me snacking a lot behind their backs. I was always scared that my grandmother or mom would see what I ate and put me down even more. It created a real eating problem.
Stuff like this has gone on my whole life. The foundation that my self-confidence sits upon is completely ruined. This is why I need to work on loving myself. I need to see myself as beautiful no matter what state I’m in. I have a lot of repairing todo with my foundation, but surely I will get there.
I do not believe that these people that I love were meaning to hurt me, I believe that they were raised to believe this and it was a cycle that needed to end. I want this to end with me. I do not want my little red to grow up thinking that her body isn beautiful. I never want her be excited at the age of 7 about jeans fitting or being self conscious at the age of 14 for wearing adult sized clothing. I never want her to know the pain I have felt, and for sure I never want her use the word “diet”, because that is most definitely a four letter word.
This week has been rocky for my journey. My little one has RSV, we have had snow, and it’s made it hard to work out. I did take my progress picture though. My best friend said it would take me 6 weeks to see a change, I feel like I am half way there! I’m going to start to try and wear the same colors for my progress picture. You can’t tell a lot when I’m wearing all different colors. I’m going to reach my goal though, I have no doubt!